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Submitted on
December 28, 2012
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Once upon a time
Is how the story begins
But what if time
Was left hanging in the distance?

There was a princess
A meager slave
A girl and a boy
The prince saves the day

Why does it have to be this way?

(Chorus)
Let's stay
Un-cliché
Love at first sight
Isn't just a right
When all you've ever
Had to do is fight
Kissing in the rain
And brushing off the pain
Because "I can't live without you"
Is all they ever say

But you and I, let's stay
Un-cliché

It starts off with a hatred
Or some other form of plain indifference
When all you've ever wanted
Is love with someone, anyone but him

And soon you find yourself
Stuck in the middle
With nowhere left to run
And you both fall
It goes from nothing
To something in an instant
Nothing matters anymore
Cause now you have it all

But let's stay
Un-cliché
Love at first sight
Isn't just a right
When all you've ever
Had to do is fight
Kissing in the rain
And brushing off the pain
Because "I can't live without you"
Is all they ever say

So you and I, we can stay
Un-cliché

The climax
To the last dance
The heartache
When the heart breaks
Come back and right all the wrongs
Before you're empty handed and she's gone

Quick, before it happens again, stay
So we can be un-cliché

Cause things were once a disaster
But then they all lived happily ever after
Please give me feedback on this! :heart: I really like it and spent a lot of time putting it together :la:
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:iconofonesoul:
Hello, my dear! :huggle:

First off, I'd like to state that I'm actually going to be critiquing this piece as a part of ^Beccalicious' Cristmas is here! (Contest). But don't be afraid... it means nothing. :paranoid:

I like to start my critiques off with an overall impression of the piece before I get down to the dirty bits of constructive feedback. :shakefist: Overall - I loved the vision you had for this. It is clear what you were trying to get across which is good in writing. I found the concept charming & original from the norm; as a reader, I am grateful you shared this with the dA Community. :love:




Now for the good points I saw in your writing:

:bulletblue: Songwriting

It is not very often that I come across a song & lyrics deviation and think to myself, "Hmm, that'd make a good song." I did, however; with this piece. I think that not only would this make a lovely song but that you could continue to write songs just as successful as this one. You have a real talent for creating a beat without any music and that's something to be proud of. :heart:

:bulletblue: Rhyme-Scheme

To be honest - I usually abhor writing that rhymes. Most of the time I find it annoying and cliche. :giggle: It worked for your piece, however; because not only is it meant to be a song - it created a beat that is musical-like and attributes to your overall purpose. Your words are well-chosen and charming.




Now for the constructive parts. ^^;

:bulletred: Punctuation

Poetry in general is a pretty free, creative format that anyone can mold and change as they wish. However; there are some things in poetry that I prefer (as a reader) to see and that I find helps the appearance and cleanliness of a poem.

I noticed in your poem that you capitalized every sentence even if it were the continuation of the last line. I generally like to see lines like this UN-capitalized. Let me give you an example stanza to show you what I mean:

Once upon a time
Is how the story begins
But what if time
Was left hanging in the distance?


Instead I would write it as:

Once upon a time
is how the story begins.
But what if time
was left hanging in the distance?


This is just a suggestion, however; so feel free to disregard it if you wish. :love:





Overall my dear - this was a creative piece that only lacked in technique. What's good is that you have the natural part, all you need to do is work on developing your skills. Keep it up, my dear! :smooch:

:heart: *OfOneSoul
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
2 out of 2 deviants thought this was fair.

The Artist has requested Critique on this Artwork

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:iconpindoa:
pindoa Featured By Owner Dec 28, 2012
i read it through the tears in my eyes. you really have something here. seriously. you really have something here!
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:iconthewritingdragon:
TheWritingDragon Featured By Owner Dec 28, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
OH MY GAWD REALLY?!?! :iconohstopityouplz:
Reply
:iconpindoa:
pindoa Featured By Owner Dec 28, 2012
truly.
Reply
:iconarchangel1012345:
archangel1012345 Featured By Owner Dec 28, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
oo, frech word :D
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:iconthewritingdragon:
TheWritingDragon Featured By Owner Dec 28, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
:XD:
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:iconarchangel1012345:
archangel1012345 Featured By Owner Dec 28, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
*french XD
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:iconfeanor-the-dragon:
Feanor-the-Dragon Featured By Owner Dec 28, 2012  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
:dummy: Wooo! Down with the cliche!
Seriously though, very nice! You should put this to music!
Reply
:iconthewritingdragon:
TheWritingDragon Featured By Owner Dec 28, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
awwww thank you so much!!! :love: I'm glad you liked it, Feanor ;) I'm trying to get this suggested as a Daily Deviation because I like it that much :XD:
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:iconxxthe-ice-wolfxx:
xXTHE-ICE-WOLFXx Featured By Owner Dec 28, 2012  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
wow~ i think this is really cool! i was reading it in the thumbnail at first because my mouse just happened to scroll over it and it caught my attention! i don't really check the mail from 'Rising Artists' much because there's so much to go through but this was really worth it! keep up the great work! i think i'm going to go check out your gallery now. XD have a nice day!~
:hug:
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:iconthewritingdragon:
TheWritingDragon Featured By Owner Dec 28, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
awwwwwwww thank you so much!!! :D This comment made my day and I'm very glad you like my writing :tighthug:
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